Having the death talk with your child.

Whatever your religious beliefs may be, death means the loss of a living being. It is the absence of a physical presence. It is also a time of great sadness and mourning for you and your children. It is important to help children accept the realities of death; to understand the loss and be able to grieve. When you protect children from the sadness of death, you deny them opportunities to share their feelings and receive much needed support. Sharing feelings helps everyone.

Dr. Earl A. Grollman in his book, ‘Explaining Death to Children’, states that “death may be made more comprehensible by explaining it in terms of the absence of familiar life functions - when people die they do not breathe, eat, talk, think, or feel any more; when dogs die they do not bark or run anymore; dead flowers do not grow or bloom anymore.” He points out that “some children confuse death with sleep; particularly if they hear adults refer to death with one of the many euphemisms for sleep - “eternal rest”, “rest in peace.” As a result of the confusion, a child may become afraid of going to bed or of taking naps. Grandma went “to sleep” and hasn’t gotten up yet. Maybe I won’t wake up either.

Should Children Attend Funerals?

Funerals serve a valuable function. Every society has some form of funeral ceremony to help the living acknowledge, accept and cope with the loss of a loved one. Whether or not a particular child should be included again depends on the child and their maturity. If the child is old enough to understand and wants to participate, being included may help them accept the reality of the death while in the compassionate company of family and friends.

If a child is to attend a funeral, they should be prepared for what they will hear and see before, during, and after the services. They should be aware that on such a sad occasion people will be expressing their bereavement in various ways and that many will be crying. If the child prefers not to attend the funeral, they must not be coerced or made to feel guilty. 

Here are ten things to consider:

1. Talking about death is easier when a child feels that they have our approval to talk about it and they believe that we are interested in their views and questions. Encourage children to communicate before a death occurs and answer whatever questions they may have, appropriate to their age level. 

2. Each child is at a different age and maturity level. Communication about death depends on their physical age and life experiences. 

3. If the child is very young, they may view death as temporary, and fears may arise about being separated from their loved ones more than about death itself. 

4. It is not always easy to understand what a child is really asking. Sometimes it may be necessary to respond to a question to clarify the child’s concern. Don’t elaborate about the entire death process if the child is asking a simple question like “Where did Grandpa go?” 

5. A very young child can comprehend only small amounts of information. Answers need to be brief, simple, to the point and repeated if necessary. Sometimes young children are just confused about life and death in general and need to process what happened. 

6. A child often feels guilty and angry when they lose a close family member, especially a sibling. They need reassurance that they are loved and cared for and that death is not predicated on poor behavior or bad decisions. 

7. A child may need to mourn a loved one on and off in different ways until they become an adolescent and they understand death in a way that makes sense to them. 

8. They will always need support and acceptance through the grieving process. They need to be given permission to show their feelings openly. 

9. Whether a child should attend a funeral depends on their age, their ability to understand death and their relationship with the deceased. 

10. Children should always be asked if they wish to participate in the funeral or memorial. If they choose to attend a funeral, prepare them in advance for what they will hear and see. 

Have the talk about death with your children.

I’ve found that it’s easier to talk about death with children before a death occurs, when we are not emotionally involved. Take the opportunity to talk to children about dead flowers, trees, insects, or birds. Children should not be made to feel guilty or embarrassed about their curiosity about death. Their interest will open the door to a discussion that all living things die and in this way make room for new living things to take their place on earth.

It’s the circle of life.

Nancy Burban 2014


Funeral fund